With the deadline for group accommodation applications closing this Friday, Freshers are strongly encouraged to generate as many artificial friendships as possible in the coming week, in order not to be left disappointed.
Priority will be given to groups whose formation was solely motivated by a fear of eternal loneliness and who have the least likelihood of successful cohabitation in the forthcoming year.
Rooms can be viewed ahead of selection by looking at the sketches on the JCR website. Though many rooms have remained unchanged for centuries, the college will not entertain fanciful requests for expensive maintenance work such as the installation of radiators, double glazing or roofs.
In response to the demand for more in-college accommodation, we are delighted to announce that next year more rooms will be created, with rooms 1-10 in Old Court now being subdivided into rooms 1-50. We would like to thank a generous donor for allowing us to carry out this important work in modernising the college and for aiding us in the purchasing of a new accommodation site only 10 miles from the main site.
Be advised that any rooms listed as en-suites are designated conference rooms and therefore may or may not have a travelling businessman also in residence.
Last year many students complained about the unnecessary pressure they experienced because the ballot system was based on academic performance. This year, we are glad to announce, students will be under no undue pressure whatsoever. Thanks to our new system, which will now rank rooms in price bands, if you cannot afford to live in a Band A room you simply will not be able to.
Students are now free to choose between palatial suites staffed by butlers and former walk-in wardrobes. In addition, Blues players and JCR members will now be automatically allocated larger rooms to accommodate their inflated egos.