Message from the Dean, please circulate:
I would like to offer a warm welcome to the new intake of first year undergraduates to Cambridge. The first few weeks in this prestigious institution are an exciting time, but it can have its stresses, so I thought it wise to offer up a few words of wisdom.
First of all, I should of course warn of the dangers of alcohol. Whilst I love a coconut shandy as much as the next man, I would like to remind students that the moderate to heavy drinking carried out by a miniscule subset of this university is likely to lead to a variety of life-threatening diseases, very possibly several at once. For those who insist on engaging in such risky behaviour, I would recommend the nightclub ‘Kuda’. I go regularly, and am particularly fond of the cafe and ‘bookshop aesthetic’. It’s still a little loud for my taste though, so make sure to bring earplugs.
Whether you partake of such activities or not, I hope you all find your time as a Cambridge student just as enjoyable as I found mine. Even today, I still look back fondly on all the pranks my friends and I used to play on each other. My favourite one was when they all moved into a house together without telling me. Then they insisted it wasn’t a joke, told me to ‘get the hell out’, and called the police when I wouldn’t leave. It was, as I am sure you will agree, marvellously funny.
Of course, it can’t be all fun and games I’m afraid. It’s important to make the most of the academic environment you are going to be in for the next few years (or weeks, depending on performance). As the saying goes, ‘work hard, gain a satisfactory position in the academic room ballot’.