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25th September 2022

Jesus College holds service of Thanksgiving upon return of Benin Bronze

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Last week, after Jesus College agreed to return the bronze Okukor bronze cockerel to the Royal Court of Benin (located in Nigeria, not Benin), a service of Thanksgiving was held in the College Chapel. After conducting an open-source metadata investigation, the Porter’s Log is able to publish a partial transcript of the Order of Service below:

 

The Gospel Of Jesus College

First Lesson: the Gospel of Jesus College, to be read by His Royal Majesty, Oba of Benin, Omo N’Oba N’Edo Uku Akpolokpolo, Ewuare II.

 

1. And it came to pass, when Jesus had finished all these sayings, he said unto his disciples,

2. Ye know that after two days is the feast of Superhall, and the cockerel of Benin is set to be displayed.

3. Then assembled together the Fellows, and the porters, and the tipsy Freshers, unto the palace of the high priest, who was called Sonita,

4. And consulted that they might take the cockerel by subtlety, and use it as a cheese board,

5. A frisbee, a fidget-spinner, a shoehorn, a vodka luge, a formal-hall penny and a contraceptive aid.

6. Then one of the Freshers, called Judas Iscariot, went unto the chief priests,

7. And said unto them, What will ye give me, and I will deliver it unto you? And they covenanted with him for thirty bombs of Jäger.

8. Now when the even was come, Jesus sat down with the college drinking society,

9. Then saith Jesus unto Peter, Verily I say unto thee, That this night, before the cockcrow, thou shalt deny me thrice.

10. Peter said unto him, Jesus Christ man chill out.

11. Then cometh Jesus into a place called Geth-Sesame, and saith unto the disciples, sit ye here, while I go pray yonder.

12. And he took with him Peter and two sons of Zebedee, and began to be sorrowful and very heavy,

13. For that is what happens when you drink too much sambuca.

14. And while he yet spake, lo, Judas, one of the twelve, came, and with him a great multitude with swords and staves, from the chief priests and the Freshers of the people.

15. And Jesus said unto him, Friend, wherefore art thou come? Then came they, and laid hands on the cockerel and took it.

16. Now Peter sat without in the palace: and a damsel came unto him, saying, Thou also wast with Jesus of Galilee in the drinking society.

17. But he denied before them all, saying, I know not what thou sayest.

18. And when he was gone out into the porch, another maid saw him, and said unto them that were there, This fellow was also with Jesus of Nazareth at the swap in Geth-Sesame.

19. And again he denied with an oath, I do not know the man.

20. And after a while came unto him they that stood by, and said to Peter, Surely thou also art one of them; for thou snorted Lambrini out of my navel.

21. Then began he to curse and to swear, saying, I know not the man. And immediately the cock crew, for it was in his pocket.

22. And Peter remembered the word of Jesus, which said unto him, Before the cock crow, thou shalt deny me thrice. And he went out, and wept bitterly.