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19th August 2017

Underperforming Peterhouse students to be housed in ‘District 2.2’ after ballot changes

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Peterhouse has announced a new ballot system in which students with 2.2s will have to live in a large segregated encampment.

The news comes just one week after St. Catherine’s College announced the abolition of their Scholars’ Ballot after a college-wide referendum.

Announcing the changes, Peterhouse accommodation officer Emily Milton said: “District 2.2 will be perfectly tailored to all the needs of underperforming students. The lovely corrugated iron shacks will provide shelter, whilst the cosiness of twenty-seven people per room will mean that the socialising never stops! Instead of a deer park, we’ve installed a ‘rat alleyway’, and although there’s no JCR, people are going to love the abandoned warehouse full of broken glass and asbestos.”

Milton emphasised that the new system would allow other students to be rewarded for their high marks and extra-curricular achievements.

“With the new accommodation block lacking running water, sanitation or proper architecture, the college will save enough money to build a classical art gallery and a Venetian canal system for those at the top of the ballot. And whilst District 2.2’s population will be sustained via a network of troughs filled with catfood and Gardies leftovers, Peterhouse’s new Scholars’ Banquet will feature breast of Dodo served in a Fabergé egg.”

The new system has been welcomed by some students. Timothy Bainbridge, who last year received a first in English, said: “District 2.2 will finally put an end to my people’s suffering. When we shared accommodation with those reprobates, the gang violence was horrific. Students would skulk around late at night and mug us if we were carrying lecture notes. Their internet history was even more sickening, they’d use noble Eduroam to perversely gawp at websites like ‘Sparknotes’ and ‘Wikipedia’.”

The college have announced that they will be taking strict safety measures to protect its high-achieving students. In an email, head porter Marcus Atherton warned “inhabitants of District 2.2 may try and use their claws to burrow beneath the barbed wire fences and tunnel into the college itself – if you see one, taser it immediately.”

The college received criticism from CUSU for claiming that underperforming students will be paying for the main wall that segregates them from the rest of the college. Peterhouse’s master took to twitter to defend their position: “District 2.2 will be the best slum ever and we will pay ZERO for it! If you socialise and make friends instead of getting a first you are a SAD loser!”

Meanwhile, from other colleges there is talk of a mass ‘2.2-a-thon’, where undergraduates will unite and achieve below 60 in their exams in an act of solidarity. Some JCRs embraced the idea, with Girton College saying: “a  ‘2.2-a-thon’ would be a great opportunity to boost our intellectual profile” whilst Trinity’s JCR President responded “You guys go ahead… we’ll join in later maybe.”

When asked what would happen to students who got thirds, Peterhouse responded: “Third-class students will be housed in our new state of the art accommodation block, Azkaban court.”