Michaelmasochism
18th November 2017

Dozens disappointed after only qualifying for Week 5 half-blues

Share

After an intense term of perfecting their unhappiness and practising crying, phoning home and binge-eating JCR-supplied chocolate, many Cambridge students were saddened to discover that they have only achieved half-blues status during Week 5.

While some have blamed the result on the university’s failure to recognise the symptoms of declining mental health, others have condemned themselves for brief, inadvertent spurts of happiness which may have negatively influenced their trials.

One of the many recipients of half-blue status, first-year PBS student Marcus Atherton, said: “I’ve been utterly miserable all term but then, two days before the end of Week 5, my friend from home came to visit me and I found myself having a really nice evening. I even ended up laughing at a video he showed me on the internet. Obviously now I’m paying the price and have given up all hope of ever achieving full blues. I was even looking forward to competing in Varsity Sobbing, but now that I haven’t cried in three days, I don’t feel like I’m good enough.”

Having narrowly missed out on the opportunity to compete against Oxford in activities ranging from staying in bed all day to frantically cycling to Granchester and back in the depths of an existential crisis, third year HSPS student Emily Milton said she is most upset by the missed social media opportunities:

“I was so excited to get a new profile picture of myself wearing the full blues outfit of pyjamas, Sixth Form leavers’ hoody and never-washed socks, and jumping in the air whilst throwing my unfinished essays at the camera. I thought that would get me loads of likes.

“Now I have to tell people that, because I did actually manage to turn up to one lecture in Week 5, I haven’t been able to qualify for full blues. It’s so embarrassing because I’ve been bragging to all my friends at home about how good I am at being miserable and unhappy here, but my Facebook feed just has pictures of me looking all smiley and sorted. How am I supposed to convince them that we’re all just faking it?’

University welfare officer Cameron Bridgeworth was quick to remind students that they will have another chance to compete for full blues next term: “The impending examinations of Easter term should give every student the opportunity to prove to their peers just how terrible they really feel and I’m sure we will see more efforts rewarded with full blues status come next week 5.”

Subscribe to the weekly newsletter