25th September 2022

Trinity Hall June Event hires Wiccan consultancy to plan entertainment


In response to accusations that its June Event theme ‘Solstice’ appropriates and misrepresents pagan beliefs, Trinity Hall has announced changes to its plans in order to more faithfully portray and celebrate Wicca practices.

In a bid to provide guests with ‘an authentic Pagan experience’, the Event have brought in Wicca consultants to plan the entertainment. In the run up the event, Trinity Hall students have been invited to join in the celebration of pagan culture by ‘sleeping under the stars’. Organisers insist that this is unconnected to the recent demolition of accommodation blocks in order to build standing stones on the college lawn.

Early rumours suggest that this years headliner will be the traditional ‘Great Rite’, where a high priest and priestess have public sex in order to raise magical energy for spell-work. The initial boost to ticket sales has waned after the priest and priestess involved were revealed to be in their seventies. Leaked promotional material advertises that ‘guests will be shown a zimmer frame used in ways they had never imagined, and the sexual benefits of requiring regular suppositories.’

Marcus Atherton, a member of the June Event committee, admitted that he still has his reservations about the purist approach of the consultants.

‘The catering is looking pretty limited, especially since the only ingredient we’re allowed is are wild mushrooms, and we can’t use non-magical methods of fire lighting. The Wicca head chef has been shouting at a pile of wood for three days and we haven’t a hint of a flame. As for the drinks, I’m increasingly convinced that the “fertility potion” might just be a j2O with a Xanax slipped in.’

The College Chaplain is believed to be staunchly opposed to the developments. He was recently spotted erecting stakes in front court, before nipping to Sainsbury’s to pick up industrial quantities of lighter fluid. When asked for comment, he muttered something about ‘doing things the old way’ before getting back to work.

However, Trinity Hall isn’t the only college whose theme has caused them some trouble. A student has tweeted her disgust at this year’s Robinson May Ball theme, ‘Suspicion’, a murder mystery scenario.

“My father was bludgeoned to death in an unresolved case last winter, and Robinson’s appropriation of my family’s personal ordeal is completely out-of- order. They have no idea of the quotidian hardship of being part of the family of a murder mystery victim. We have a very big house with lots of rooms and it’s taking ages to investigate.”

Churchill Spring Ball’s ‘Illuminate’ theme, meanwhile, has attracted vicious criticism from members of the Cambridge University Nutty-Conspiracy Theory Society (CUNTS), who have accused the college of misrepresenting their work.