After unearthing a Bronze Age settlement in Cambridgeshire last week, archaeologists in the city-centre have made another discovery, believed to be the site of an antiquated, draconian university.
Marcus Atherton, leader of the Cambridge Archaeological Unit, said: “Our initial excavations have suggested that the university was attended by a young population of malnourished and melancholic gnome-like people.”
Archaeologists unearthed a series of small, cave-like dwellings containing makeshift furniture and impractical tools for food preparation. The team is uncertain whether these buildings were intended as student accommodation or high-security prisons.
Analysis of skeletons found in a trench in west Cambridge suggest that students suffered lasting spinal damage from transporting heavy books around the city.
Small finds expert, 4-foot-10 Timothy Bainbridge, said: “The fragments of essays we have uncovered are difficult to decipher. What is certain is that these are the confused and incoherent ramblings of an obviously unhinged population.”
On-site anthropologist Emily Milton found evidence that the university students worshipped alcohol as a benevolent and omnipresent supreme being.
“We believe that the society’s religious leaders were members of prestigious sects devoted to alcohol, which would regularly take part in occult ceremonies devoted to enforcing the ritual consumption of alcohol.”
Reflecting on the discovery, Marcus Atherton said: “It’s a terrifying look into the past. This primitive and harsh educational institution is almost unrecognisable when compared with today’s establishments.”