23rd June 2017

Atheist Union to kick students in genitals in new recruitment drive

Richard_dawkins
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The Cambridge University Atheist Union has announced plans to kick students in the privates as they leave Cindies in a bid to attract new members.

The move is a clear reaction to the Christian Union whose members have been handing out water to students on Wednesday nights.

CUAU president Marcus Atherton said: “Sure, getting a cup of water when you’re drunk is great, but where is God when you’re being punted in the balls?

“There’s nothing like a swift dose of excruciating pain to remind people that God doesn’t exist. I became an atheist when I stubbed my toe on the kitchen table aged nine and I’ve never looked back.

“Cindies itself is enough to make you contemplate the abyss of existence but we like to think that a bollock kick will be the final nail in the coffin for the faith of these clubbers.”

Michael Pritchard was one of the first to receive a kick as CUAU trialled its new campaign last week.

He said: “I had just been given a bottle of water by the Christian Union so I was coming round to the idea that Jesus died for our sins. But then I received an almighty boot in the nuts and was instantly assailed by the idea that we are nothing but hairless apes floating on a speck of dust in space.

“It was all very confusing so I’m considering signing up to the Agnostic Society.”