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20th August 2017

BREAKING: Tab writer nominated for Pulitzer after exposing sinister CUSU cartel

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EXCLUSIVE: Tab journo Finn McRedmond has been nominated for a prestigious Pulitzer Prize after a heroic undercover mission to expose the shocking influence of the CUSU drug cartel.

Chair of the Pulitzer Committee, Chad Wolfson, said: “At Pulitzer we search for journalists who go the extra mile. If that means exploiting vulnerable teenagers who are on medication, so much the better.”

“Finn McRedmond went to extraordinary lengths to get this valuable and necessary scoop. Not only did she assemble a crack team of narcotics experts and computer hackers but she even employed the services of eminent Daily Mail physician Dr Ellie.”

The Tab’s investigation revealed the shocking influence the CUSU cartel exerts over the City of Cambridge.

Cambridge Police Chief Marcus Atherton said: “Womcam has turned Cambridge into the drug-trafficking capital of the UK. Once a quaint university town, the cobbled streets are now the site of uncontrollable drug warfare. We are lucky that a journalist has been brave enough to finally confront this unrestrained vice and iniquity.”

Since McRedmond’s daring investigation rumours have circulated that the drug-baron El Chapo is directing operations from his Mexican prison cell. Meanwhile, Interpol is working tirelessly to bring cartel kingpin Priscilla Mensah to justice.

The Tab piece revealed that students were using cutting edge urban lingo on social media to conduct trades of fresh Columbian acne cream. Secret codes, such as “This group is really helpful”, were followed up by cryptic offers of “coffee” and “gratitude” in exchange for these substances. Researchers at the Alan Turing Institute in Cambridge are yet to decipher the popular sign-off “XXX”.

Reflecting on her nomination, McRedmond said: “Of course, winning a Pulitzer would be pretty sweet but to be honest I’d rather win the Tab’s upcoming biggest BNOC competition. That is the true mark of noble success.”

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