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18th May 2022

Cambridge City Council Solve Crossroads Safety Concerns by Diverting Traffic through Pembroke College

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After weeks of speculation, Cambridge City Council has unveiled their innovative solution to the problem of the Pembroke Crossroads: a bypass through the college itself.

Drivers wishing to use the bypass will have to pay a toll of £9,250 plus an interest rate of 6.3%, and Porters, who will be tasked with the upkeep of the tolls, have made it explicitly clear that nobody driving a Range Rover, Porsche Cayenne or Audi Q7 will be permitted entry unless they can concretely prove that they are rich enough not to have stolen it.

To maintain the pristine appearance of the bypass and its surroundings, frequent roadworks will be carried out by students who have received a 2:2 or below in the previous year’s exams.

However, despite these stringent regulations it is hoped that the bypass will help to burst the ‘Cambridge Bubble. Emily Milton, President of Pembroke Junior Parlour Committee, welcomed the news as a ‘triumph for access’.

“For years, we’ve been working to end the disconnect between Cambridge and the outside world, and I can think of no better way of bridging that gap than constructing a huge flyover motorway through the middle of our College grounds.

“This scheme puts Pembroke firmly ahead of other Colleges in terms of Access: being able to drive through the College at 70 miles per hour will allow more people to access Pembroke than ever before.”

To satisfy the culinary needs of those using the bypass, Pembroke will also open a new drive-thru formal service. Customers will have a gong banged in their face, followed by a five-second Grace, at one window, before being force-fed a three course dinner in half a minute at the next.

Little Chef are even rumoured to have entered into negotiations with the college to take over its catering operation, while blueprints have been leaked of plans to demolish the library and replace it with a WHSmith Travel.

The proposed infrastructural developments are not just limited to the new bypass, either, with further projects such as a HS5 rail-link between the Sidgwick Site and the Regal, as well as a new bus service connecting Churchill College with Hell rumoured to be in the pipeline.

It is reported that University Vice-Chancellor Stephen Toope is elated by the news, as he can now shave a whole five minutes off his journey to the airport when following Andrew Adonis’ advice to ‘fuck off back to Canada’.