Michaelmasochism
18th November 2017

New Cambridge degree classification to be based on Nectar points

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Cambridge degree classes will now be decided based on a combination of third-year exam results and students’ total Nectar points.

University spokesman Cameron Bridgeworth said: “We constantly hear that students are confused by the current BA system and don’t want their entire degree to hinge on their final year. This new system will maintain Cambridge’s unique approach to academia whilst helping to relieve some of the burden of finals. From the second they arrive, undergraduates can start contributing to their degree and help support a Cambridge institution at the same time.”

First year land economy student Emily Milton praised the change: “I’ve been comfort eating non-stop since arriving here so it’s a real relief to hear that my grade and not just my weight will reflect the fact that my bed is littered with Twix wrappers and Frijj bottles.”

Richard Penty, master of Sidney Sussex College, gave a statement from the backdoor of the vice-chancellor’s office: “It’s very important to ensure that equality between colleges is encouraged. We think this new classification system will help Sidney become more equal, specifically with Trinity on the Tompkins Table.”

The new proposals have not been well received by all university members. Marcus Atherton, studying Classics at St. John’s, said: “The university is making a completely arbitrary decision on an extremely important issue. They are asking me to choose between my degree and my commitment to shopping exclusively at Marks and Spencer. Nobody should be put in that position.”

In the wake of the news, the welfare office issued a statement warning students to keep their Nectar cards well-guarded from now on: “Students often come to us complaining that they’ve lost their mental stability or sense of self-worth. The important thing now is just to not lose your Nectar card. Even a few days without it could mean the difference between a 1st and 2.1.”

The University reportedly considered other grading systems based on factors such as the number of alumni family members or the quantity of college stash items purchased. Timothy Bainbridge, part of the team behind the new classification, said: “It was more difficult than we anticipated to find a system that differentiates between 10,000 privately-educated students from North London.”

University Chancellor Lord Sainsbury declined to comment on the proposals.

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