University officials have announced that the length of full-term will be reduced from eight weeks to eight days with immediate effect.
In a statement, University Vice-Chancellor Leszek Borysiewicz said: “We are proud to say that we have finally taken a positive step towards improving the work-life balance of our students by encouraging them to do all their sleeping, eating and socialising outside term time.
“The new measures are certain to reduce students’ stress levels. After all, there is no time to feel down in the dumps when you have eleven supervisions back-to-back, followed by seventeen hours of lectures.”
University spokesman Cameron Bridgeworth said efficiency would now be the word of the day in Cambridge.
“It is an open secret that students can spend up to sixty minutes a day not working which is totally unsustainable. Undergraduates are strongly encouraged to spend the vacations learning to write with both hands so that they can write two essays at once.
“College butteries will be replaced by nutrient gruel stations which will funnel a high-energy purée of superfoods directly into students’ bloodstreams and bedders will now be armed with power-hoses in order to wash students as they travel between lectures.”
However, CUSU Welfare Officer Emily Milton, said she had been negotiating tirelessly with the University administration to ensure that the new terms were not so work-focused. “I am happy to announce a major victory for students. Thanks to CUSU, new undergraduates will now get to enjoy a ‘Fresher’s half-hour’ where, between a micro-bop and a family nano-formal, lifelong friendships are sure to blossom.”
The news has had a huge impact across Cambridge.
The Union was quick to adjust its termcard, with Speakers Officer, Cecil Jones, stating: “In order to ensure that members can still enjoy all the Union has to offer, all of our speakers will now be invited to speak at the same time. Next term Stephen Hawking, Katie Hopkins and Abu Hamza will all give their talks simultaneously in the chamber in what promises to be an incredible meeting of minds.”
The ADC’s plans to condense eight weeks of theatrical productions into one bitesize 25 minute showcase have met widespread support leading many to question why this could not have happened during all previous terms.
Trinity College was quick to react to the news, immediately releasing a statement which condemned the Vice-Chancellor for failing to condense the term into eight hours.