The Churchill College Admissions department has expressed dismay after Google maps updated their Streetview function to allow users to see inside Cambridge colleges online for the first time.
Cecil Jones, Director of Admissions at Churchill, said: “Until now most of our applicants have been scientists who were too downtrodden to care or those who only knew what the college looked like from the outside when they applied. Often we’d give people the address of Trinity and hope they wouldn’t notice. But now people are able to look at every miserable concrete slab in our college online, so we stand no chance of having any students ever again. Our only option is to take legal action against Google. But we’ve had to hire external legal experts as we only have scientists in college.”
Jones continued: “The impact of the Google update has been horrendous. Some of our current students seem to have been unaware of the extent of the dystopian nightmare they were living in and have left the university altogether. One student chose to stay but detached his own retinas so he would never have to look at any decaying brickwork ever again. We are predicting negative admission for the coming year.”
In a surprising twist Churchill spokesman Cameron Bridgeworth announced that there had already been a notable rise in the number of historical tour groups visiting the college. With airline prices to Siberia at an all-time high and temperatures in the region dropping to minus 127 degrees Celsius, tourists have been quick to discover through Google maps that Churchill College is next best thing for those looking to visit an accurate representation of a functioning Soviet-era gulag.
Marcus Athertonski, a Gulag architectural history expert based in Cambridge, said: “It is ironic that a place named after Winston Churchill would resemble a Russian prison compound so closely! The crushing sense of despair when you walk in, the architecture that screams ‘forced labour’ and the rooms that look like they have been built for torturing the innocent all make it the ideal destination for your historically-minded tourist.”
King’s College were quick to refute Athertonski’s claim, stating that their college is the closest replica of Soviet Russia that can be found in Cambridge.