Michaelmasochism
18th November 2017

Clinton blames Cambridge University liberals for Trump victory

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In her first press conference as not-the-president-elect, Hillary Clinton publicly condemned the Cambridge liberal intelligentsia for failing to win her the US Presidential election.

“Do you know how long I spent courting celebrities to win this election?” Clinton said. “I was endorsed by Robert Downey Jr! Even Beyoncé tweeted about me! Beyoncé! Everything was laid out perfectly for my historic win, so where were Cambridge students when I needed them most? Where were the thinkpieces, the op-eds? Where was the emergency debate at the union?”

Tara Lamp, first-year HSPS student and Tab columnist, apologised for the lack of engagement in the run-up to the election. “I’m sorry for Trump,” Lamp said in a Facebook status after the election. “We liberals should have got the vote out more effectively instead of spending so much time worrying about class lists and CUSU disaffiliations. If only I had more Twitter followers (@LampLightsTheWorld), maybe none of this would have happened.”

“This result has nothing to do with 61 million Trump-voting Americans or the electoral college system — this was our failure. Today, my friends, all our pussies have been grabbed.”

Student leaders have also been criticised for their failure to prevent Trump’s victory. An anonymous source close to CUSU President Amatey Doku said: “CUSU’s silence during this election has been deafening. Frankly, I don’t know how Amatey thinks he can remain President after something like this. He knows what he did and what he failed to do. And the fact that he still won’t answer Hillary’s calls is just cruel, she’s suffered enough.”

In response to the backlash, university journalists have pledged to do more in the future to oppose Trump. A statement released from The Tab yesterday said: “We are conscious that it will fall on our shoulders to shape international discourse in a post-Trump world and we’re all sharpening our crayons in preparation.”

Varsity, meanwhile, has already begun construction on Cambridge’s first purpose-built echo chamber to “help political columnists more directly engage with those who already agree with them.”

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