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25th September 2022

Colleges donate stash to meet PPE shortfall in hospitals

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The NHS yesterday received a welcome boost when a number of Cambridge colleges donated unsold reserves of college-themed clothing to help ease shortages of personal protective equipment.

In an unprecedented stash injection, scarves, signet rings and sweatshirts made their way to hospitals across the country.

Doctors nationwide lauded the donation. “Coronavirus will find it pretty tough to get into my hospital,” claimed a junior doctor. “Without 11A* at GCSE and Piano Grade 8, I can’t see it spreading further than Durham.”

The offer of drinking society ties was, however, turned down. “As effective as they are in getting anyone to keep their distance from you,” stated a government spokesman, “there were concerns that doctors shouting ‘we love to see it’ at COVID-19 patients entering intensive care for ventilation might be misinterpreted by the press.”

The Health Secretary, Matt Hancock, paid tribute to the selflessness of Cambridge’s Colleges: “At a bare minimum, our healthcare workers deserve adequate PPE. But this is a government that goes above and beyond. With this generous donation, NHS workers will not only be protected – they will look fabulous too.”

Asked for evidence of the effectiveness of College Stash against Coronavirus, Hancock replied; “We have listened to The ScienceTM throughout this crisis, and The ScienceTM is telling us that these are ‘the waviest garms’.”

The ScienceTM was not available for comment.

However, some in the Cabinet were less enthusiastic. “I’m not wearing that shit,” said St. John’s College Cambridge graduate and Communities Secretary Robert Jenrick upon being presented with a Girton Puffa jacket.

In spite of the donation, certain members of the University remain critical of the government’s approach. “I still back herd immunity,” mooed a disgruntled King’s College cow.