Michaelmasochism
18th October 2017

Egypt-themed Jsoc Ball ends early after mass exodus of students

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When the Jewish Society’s Prince of Egypt-themed Ball failed to live up to expectations last night, theology student Moe Zez demanded that the organisers let his people go home.

Expecting to be ‘transported back to the splendour and opulence of Ancient Egypt’, students were surprised when the President of the Ball’s Committee arrived dressed as Pharaoh and ordered guests to build a series of pyramids as part of a performative art installation.

This angered Moe Zez, a third-year from Fitz, who said: “I didn’t pay £65 to get whipped by a Compsci wearing too much eyeliner. So I decided to formulate a calm and measured response on behalf of the Jewish student body.”

Zez proceeded to pour litres of blood onto the dancefloor, release hundreds of locusts and threaten to kill the first-born children in the committee members’ families.

“It was carnage”, remarked ticketholder Emily Milton. “There was cement all over my dress and Moe’s antics were plaguing the organisers who were shouting at us to finish the pyramids. We were desperate to leave so he eventually decided to lead us all out of the fire escape.”

An army of Ents Officers pursued Moe Zez and the former guests until they reached the edge of the River Cam, where they were seemingly trapped.

“At this point Moe stood on top of a wheelie bin and delivered a rousing speech about how important it was that we reached the Promised Land of Gardies,” Milton continued.

“Then something incredible happened. When we looked at the river it appeared that the water had parted. I am still unsure if this was because the river was being drained by the council in order to fix the broken bank at Queens’ or it was a miracle.”

When the Ents Committee attempted to cross the river however, disaster struck as they found themselves stranded in water up to knee height, allowing Moe Zez and his followers to escape.

This is not the first time that calamity has struck a Jsoc event. At last year’s Hanukkah Party, for example, a power cut meant that they only had eight candles as a light source.

The Oxford Labour Club released a statement this afternoon dismissing the Cambridge Jsoc Ball as unacceptable. It said: “Forcing the students to build pyramids is nothing, we have been oppressing the Jews in Oxford for far longer and have much more original ways of doing so.”

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