22nd September 2023

Fitzbillies to hurl Chelsea buns at cyclists as part of new bike-thru initiative


Following the news that non-essential shops will be allowed to open from Monday 15 June, Fitzbillies have announced their innovative new plans to adapt to current circumstances.

While its bakeries remain closed for in-house seating, preparations have been made to introduce a ‘bike-thru’ service. This will involve staff hurling Chelsea buns and croissants at cyclists, and dousing them in lattés as they pass. The prices will also increase to ensure that student living remains unaffordable, even without rent payments. “We’re confident that this will work,” said manager Cecil Jones. “As long as our customers bike past the correct Fitzbillies, that is.”

Though many have welcomed the plans, the continued restrictions on seating has caused much disappointment. Supervisors have expressed their dismay that they still have nowhere to take their supervisees in order to appear edgy and hipster. Likewise, many students are lamenting their ability to procrastinate over an expensive cappuccino or engage in inane chat.

Aware that many miss the usual atmosphere, and that a significant proportion of their usual customers remain scattered across the world, the restaurant’s owners have also launched plans to bring the spirit of Fitzbillies into your own home. These include a Zoom background for students who want to feel pretentious while eating a loaf of bread, and a new partnership with Deliveroo, delighting those who have been itching to pay a delivery surcharge on a £10 sausage roll. Regular customer Marcus Atherton is particularly looking forward to Fitzbillies’ new ASMR channel. “I’m really hoping it’ll help with my insomnia,” he said. “Half an hour of coffee machine sounds, clattering trays and the dulcet tones of shit first date small talk – what could be more relaxing?”

Fitzbillies’ announcement is believed to be only the first of many. Van of Life are expected to unveil plans to pelt passers-by with cheesy chips, and The Mill to throw pints at punters.