Recruiters from Hell, the market leader in eternal damnation, have arrived in Cambridge to sign up ambitious students for their corporate summer internships and graduate schemes.
Hell’s CEO Lou Cypher said: “We’re looking for bright young minds with a fresh perspective on misery and torment to come join us. We’re aware that there are a lot of companies out there recruiting but we think we have a lot more to offer than the competition. Students thinking of going to work at Goldman Sachs or J.P. Morgan should know that they’re really just cheap imitations of Hell and the kind of work we do here. Completely manipulating global finance for the benefit of a few wealthy elites is pretty evil but it pales in comparison to what we’re up to.”
Careers officer Cameron Bridgeworth encouraged students to consider internships at the company, saying: “The Cambridge experience is one which uniquely prepares students for a career in Hell. Just replace the UL with fire and brimstone and your DoS with a demonic tentacled beast and you’re basically already there.”
Former Cambridge students have a history of success in Hell. Marcus Atherton, an alumnus of Trinity Hall, was promoted to CFO last year after his work devising more extreme punishments for Hell’s clients.
“I got the promotion after coming up with the idea of setting clients three essays a week and connecting their laptops to Eduroam with the promise of reliable Wi-Fi.” Atherton said. “One of the great perks of working here is that there’s a great system in place for career progression. Hell uses a ‘nine circles’ framework which allows its employees to track their descent into more senior positions in the company and gives us all a real sense that we’re moving in the right direction.”
The company has already received widespread historical praise, with a quote on their website from 14th century poet Dante saying: “abandon hope all ye who enter here” and the book of Revelations describing their subterranean offices as a “fiery lake of burning sulphur”. To further attract Cambridge students, their brochure boasts of an enviable set of clients including Ivan the Terrible, Kim Jong Il and Jimmy Saville. The pension scheme is particularly attractive too, with employees investing small portions of their soul which will be returned upon retirement.
Hell is currently trying to seek out Cambridge’s most suitable candidates and will host a networking event in St. John’s College next week, along with a cocktails evening for various drinking societies.