Michaelmasochism
18th October 2017

“I will be most inconsequential President yet” boasts CUSU frontrunner

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At the hustings last night, the four presidential candidates battled it out to prove who could best ensure CUSU remains the ineffectual organisation it has always been.

Presidential favourite Marcus Atherton told the packed lecture hall: “I pledge to get absolutely nothing done during my tenure if I am elected. I have strong time-mismanagement skills and my manifesto is full of dynamic proposals to make CUSU as unproductive as possible.”

As the audience cheered, he continued: “I promise to continue the great work of my predecessors at CUSU, whoever they were. I’m only on Season One of Game of Thrones which means I already have at least 40 hours of procrastination lined up.”

Later in the debate, students booed presidential hopeful Emily Milton when she accidentally presented a coherent set of policies regarding accommodation, student finance and welfare.

Timothy Bainbridge was quick to pounce on her blunder, saying: “My opponent is getting bogged down in ideas. My only policy is greater transparency in CUSU. It should be absolutely clear how little we are doing at all times.”

When the candidates were asked about engaging with students, Atherton said: “I know what students want and that is to hear from their CUSU President as little as possible. If I get the job I will be seen and not heard. And when I am seen, no one will know who I am.”

Bainbridge went further, saying: “I promise to utilise cutting-edge technology to continue CUSU’s proud traditions of inaction and invisibility. With me as President, the weekly CUSU emails will automatically self-delete as soon as they enter students’ inboxes.”

In an impressive political power play, Cecil Jones, the candidate from Girton, left the debate halfway through to go back to playing Xbox in his room, a move that was met with raucous cheers from the crowd.

Audience-member Tara Lamp gave her reaction as she left the debating chamber:

“This is the worst Union event I’ve ever been to. It’s a real shame because I really enjoyed last week’s talk with Mark Hamill.”

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