23rd June 2017

CUSU Nobel Prize application leaked

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Just days after CUSU came under fire for its NUS award application, The Porter’s Log has gained access to a letter sent from the union to the Nobel Committee in Norway. It reads:

Dear esteemed committee members,

It has come to our attention that you are seeking nominations for 2017’s Nobel Prizes. We modestly submit ourselves, the Cambridge University Students’ Union, for consideration in the Peace Prize category.

Although you are undoubtedly all aware of our humanitarian achievements within Cambridge – the total abolition of Class Lists and the Tompkins Table to name but a few – we would like to take you back through our inspiring efforts on the international stage, where we have stood for centuries as bastions of democracy, justice and goodwill:

2015 – CUSU voter drives and a widespread media campaign leads to a record 104% turnout in the UK General election.
2003 – Through an impassioned speech, incumbent CUSU president Tara Lamp successfully convinces US president George Bush that Saddam Hussein does not possess weapons of mass destruction, preventing a costly and destabilising invasion of Iraq.
1936 – CUSU meticulously coordinates the assassination of German Chancellor Adolf Hitler, inevitably averting a catastrophic European conflict and saving millions of lives.

If this myriad of achievements for mankind is not sufficient to warrant a Peace Prize nomination, we are also willing to accept consideration in the Economic Sciences category:

2007 – Financial analysts in CUSU headquarters anticipate an impending financial disaster and warn authorities in time to stop a worldwide economic disaster before it begins.
1929 – CUSU president Timothy Bainbridge flies to the United States and single-handedly reverses the Wall Street Crash through sheer force of will, leading to a period of unprecedented global prosperity throughout the 1930s.

And lest we forget the role of CUSU as pioneers of scientific innovation, here are just some of our contributions to the betterment of humanity:

2015 – CUSU physicists successfully carry out cold fusion for the first time, providing a limitless energy source for the entire world and relinquishing the need for fossil fuels.
1991 – The world rejoices and average life expectancy doubles as CUSU medical scientists discover cures for cancer, HIV and Alzheimer’s all in the same week.

We look forward to receiving our nominations in one (or all?) of the aforementioned categories. If we’ve missed any, please send us an email and we will be happy to inform you of our groundbreaking achievements in that field.

Yours humbly,
CUSU presidents of past and present