8th December 2023

Loss of Darwin’s notebooks is “natural selection,” says Christian Union heist member


In a shocking turn of events, it has been revealed that the Christian Union is behind the disappearance of Darwin’s seminal notebooks.

Insiders have revealed to the Porter’s Log how CICCU’s stunning 2001 heist in the University Library overcame multiple challenges, including several crosses and a dehydrated heist member dying from alcohol poisoning after drinking a bottle of what he thought was water. “We’re just a couple of typos away from being the heistian Union,” one anonymous Bible-blagger bragged.  “We had to decide on one blasphemic object to steal, and Darwin’s notebooks were the natural selection.”

The search for the missing notebooks is ongoing, but library staff are privately despondent at the news.  “God knows where they are now,” said librarian Timothy Bainbridge-Stewart.  God has been approached for comment, but would not be drawn on the whereabouts of the notebooks, saying only that: “It’s better this way.”

Librarians apparently did not notice Darwin’s journals were missing because they had been replaced by a DVD of The Notebook.  A key feature of Darwin’s priceless manuscript is his sketch of “The Tree of Life”, a chestnut tree by Van of Life, though the food outlet is arguably an even more precious treasure than the notebooks.

The notebooks’ disappearance has led to the UL forming an unlikely alliance with members of Darwin College, who are determined to reclaim the notebooks as rightfully their own in a desperate ongoing struggle to remain relevant.

Because the notebooks have been missing for nearly 20 years, UL staff are worried they may never be recovered.  However, the university governing body are said to be delighted that the late fines accrued will cover all of the university’s Covid-related losses.