Vacation not a holiday
24th February 2018

Pelé throws himself down stairs to avoid appearance at the Cambridge Union


Just days after the postponement of his visit due to illness, it has been revealed that Pelé actually threw himself down a flight of stairs in a desperate attempt to avoid appearing at the Cambridge Union. 

As news of his ‘accident’ emerged last night, concerns were raised that Pelé may not be the first celebrity to have taken such drastic measures to avoid an evening with Tab ‘BNOC’ wannabes. Rumours have been circulating that actor Roger Moore and actress Carrie Fisher both went to extreme lengths in 2016 to escape a Union appearance before their places in the speaker’s line-up could be announced.

Meanwhile, a spokesman for the Cambridge Union refused to confirm or deny than an invitation had been extended to Bruce Forsyth to host ‘Strictly Cam Dancing’, a Union-RAG collaboration which has since been shelved, shortly before his death last year.

Sources close to James Blunt, who is due to speak at the Union on Wednesday, have disclosed that the singer is doing everything possible to make himself ill before his interview, including listening to his single “You’re Beautiful” on repeat for over three days. Union Committee members yesterday held a crisis meeting to discuss the revelations – one solution reportedly being considered is holding speakers in padded cells for 24 hours before their appearances to prevent any similar “accidents” occurring.

News of the sinister link between the Union and 2016’s spate of celebrity deaths has sent shockwaves across the university. A student-led petition to ensure that David Attenborough is never invited to the Cambridge Union reached its target of 100,000 signatures within hours of being launched, and thus will be the subject of a Union debate.

However, despite dismay amongst Cambridge’s student population, some appear to be capitalising on this sinister trend. Indeed, MI5 is reportedly investigating claims that Prince Charles is behind a fake letter sent to the Queen inviting her to speak at the Union.

Marcus Atherton, the Cambridge Union’s Speaker’s Officer, said today that Pele’s cancellation would not negatively affect the Union’s popularity this term.

“These allegations won’t stop us from continuing with our exciting programme for Lent 2018. In the last few days, we’ve had unprecedented numbers of people getting in touch requesting that we invite Katie Hopkins, Jacob Rees-Mogg and Piers Morgan to speak.

“Conveniently enough, all three are already booked in to make their termly appearance!”


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