21st March 2023

Ridley Scott to film next Alien movie in Friday Life


Ridley Scott, the critically-acclaimed director of Alien, made the surprising announcement last night. 

Hijacking the opening night of a new experimental play at the Corpus Playroom, the veteran director told the empty auditorium that the latest film in his popular franchise is to be filmed in Friday Life, with the working title Alien: Brightside.

Scott explained, ‘I was mainlining Jäeger in Kuda when someone’s tongue – and the idea – suddenly struck me. The nightmarish, claustrophobic feel … the sweat and saliva dripping from the ceiling … I just knew we’d found the new Nostromo.’

Scott was keen to emphasise that this film will mark a return to practical effects for the Alien franchise. The director decided to ditch Alien: Covenant’s CGI monster upon witnessing seventh-year rower and St John’s Hammerheads president Marcus Atherton latching onto fresher Tara Lamp. “Honestly I thought the facehugger was horrifying, but seeing Marcus at work, isolating targets from their groups before pouncing, tongue ready to strike, changed my mind. And my esteem for humanity.”

Shy of the publicity, Atherton explained that he and “the boys” would “just be going along to Friday Life for some good clean fun.” In addition to casting Atherton, the president of the Cambridge Union is set to play sociopathic android David, while Scott also plans to source local extras. Explaining the choice, Scott said “The looks of sheer horror that arise on students’ faces at 2AM when Ignition (Remix) ‘Remix’ is playing for the sixth time and they realise they’ve spent £45 on VKs is exactly what I’ve been trying to capture since 1979.”

Meanwhile, rumours abound that Scott is considering Cambridge as a location for a sequel to his Biblical epic Exodus: Gods and Kings, which starred Christian Bale as Moses. Sources close to the project are reportedly enthusiastic about the ‘Egyptian vibe’ of Cambridge’s overwhelmingly white population.