Following criticism of high room rents, Robinson College has announced proposals to offer a set of new ‘Value Deluxe’ rooms in the Porter’s Lodge.
Responding to allegations that these were just slightly expanded pigeon holes, Cameron Bridgeworth, Head of Accommodation at the college, accused students of “double standards”, noting that morgues “have been storing people in structures like this for years”.
“It’s unreasonable to expect any more than this from a ‘budget’ option. Furthermore, we’re confident that the crushing weight the University places on students’ shoulders will compress them enough that they can fit in their new homes more comfortably.”
The scheme follows the rejection of a plan to solve the space crisis by introducing new two-dimensional accommodation, to be known as ‘Flats’. College gardeners were also recently discovered testing the viability of fitting students into flower pots, prompting denials that this scheme was loosely inspired by a marathon session of Bill and Ben.
In a bid to save money, Marcus Atherton, a third-year Geography student, has opted to relocate to Australia, with daily flights, rent for a Melbourne apartment and medical treatment for snake bites costing a thousand pounds less per term than a standard room at Robinson. When approached for comment, he stated: “I always feel really sad when I have to leave my Ryanair economy seat and fold myself up to fit back into student accommodation.”
Speaking from the oak-panelled living room of his rent-free detached house, University Vice-Chancellor Stephen Toope denied that Cambridge has a problem with high rents.
“New budget accommodation is currently being built just a stone’s throw away from central Cambridge, in the Cayman Islands, an area with which we already have long history. The University will cover travel costs so long as students agree to stuff our cash up every available orifice for the flight over.”