Michaelmasochism
18th October 2017

Scotland Yard praises Queens’ authorities for quashing mega-ghettos in college

Share

Sir Bernard Hogan-Howe, the head of the Metropolitan Police Service, has publicly commended Queens’ College for successfully cracking down on some of the country’s most impenetrable ghettos, describing the handling of the affair as ‘exemplary’ and ‘inspiring’.

The authorities introduced a blind ballot system for accommodation at Queens’, aiming to dismantle major gang hotspots where neighbouring students would gather to spend time in each other’s company.

An investigation commissioned by the Queens’ College Dean revealed criminal networks among students, which were founded on suspect principles such as ‘friendship and shared interests’. The report suggested that these networks are established every year when gang-leaders coerce innocent students to choose rooms which do not impinge on their territory.

The Dean said: “We received a survey from the JCR saying 84% of undergrads thought that living with friends had a positive impact on their lives. This proved to us that not only are some students not happy with the people living near them but also that a staggering 84% of students have been coerced in to pretending that they are.”

It has been a term of major successes for the college in the fight against student ghettos. A midnight raid of the Fisher Building last week led to the capture of the notorious social kingpin ‘El Natsci’, known to authorities for his subversive gatherings of up to six people in his room.

The raid also confirmed many of the authorities’ concerns, including the existence of an underground trading ring of milk, sugar and crockery within gyp rooms.

The Senior Tutor of Queens’ also expressed his desire to cut ghettoisation off at the source.

“We fear that future undergraduates may be tempted into forming similarly disreputable communities. To this end, freshers will now be accompanied by a personal porter at all times to ensure they will not be able to communicate with fellow students long enough to get to know them in the first place.”

Subscribe to the weekly newsletter