17th June 2024

Sex only for ‘absolute legends’, clarifies Church of England


The Church of England has today yielded to pressure to bring its views more into line with modern values.

After its recent declaration that sex should be exclusively between heterosexual, married couples became the subject of a nationwide homophobia row, the church now claims that sex between any consenting adults is ‘cool with us, as long as they’re not complete losers.’

“We are aware that our views on sex aren’t exactly very ‘awake’, as the kids would say,” said local priest Timothy Bainbridge. “But we’ve found a solution that will enable us to marry Christian tradition with modern life.

“Take the Bible, for instance: God pranked Abraham hard with that whole ‘lol don’t actually kill your son’ thing, Jesus literally turned water into wine, the absolute lad, and there are some crazy wastemen getting stoned left right and centre. And that’s without mentioning the scores of BNOCs (Big Names of Christianity) that have followed our teachings over the centuries. From this we’ve concluded, much like today’s youth, that sex can indeed be for everyone, but only if they have first aptly demonstrated a number of prerequisite ‘legendary’ qualities.”

This change of heart marks the culmination of a week of successive PR calamities for the Church. After its opposition to same-sex college marriages in Newnham and Murray Edwards was met with a frosty reception from LGBT+ groups, things went from bad to worse when it announced provisional plans to demolish the Round Church, due to it ‘not being straight enough’.

The Christian Union’s termly text-a-toastie event also resulted in unmitigated disaster after it failed to feed a thousand baying students with just two loaves of bread and some fish.