The University of Cambridge has responded to the wave of strikes plaguing the university by replacing lecturers with whoever the loudest person in that lecture is.
Emily Milton, senior Praelector, stated that “The University has been put in a difficult place, because academics are unwilling to be reasonable about the changes we’ve forced upon them without consultation.”
Cameron Bridgeworth, a second year Historian, said: “This is brilliant news. I often find myself explaining things to girls at parties, and wishing that more people could hear what I have to say. Obviously, I’m almost over-qualified to teach Marx – I actually came top of my class on him back at Harrow.”
Supervisions will also come under the remit of the new changes. Geography supervisions will be replaced by screenings of Dora the Explorer, while Computer Science classes will now be taken by Clippy, the friendly Microsoft assistant. English students who attempted to attend their lecture were confused to discover that in lieu of replacement teaching, the University had placed a coffee machine in their lecture hall. Bemused students found instruction manuals for the machine, with ‘Vital Career Training’ scrawled at the top.
Meanwhile, picket lines have been set up at university sites, by academics who hope to interact with students. After crossing the line at the Maths faculty, a shaken student commented, “It was terrifying. The lecturers, they kept… they kept trying to… to talk to me. Like they were some sort of… people.” The student in question was later observed crossing the line again, holding his calculator like a crucifix and repeatedly screaming “THE LIMIT DOESN’T EXIST”.
Stephen Toope, the Vice Chancellor of the University, was disparaging about the picket line’s chances. “These lecturers, they don’t know true cold. They weren’t raised in the ravaging freeze of Canada like yours truly. Some of them haven’t left their offices in years – and yet they hope to stand outside for a whole day! Hopefully a few will keel over and save us even more money on pensions.”
Toope was later seen playing the pipes and dancing through the Sidgwick site, attempting to persuade academics to follow his merry dance back to their lecture rooms.