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16th May 2022

Varsity investigation reveals that “nobody gives a shit” about NUS elections

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Varsity’s investigatory team can reveal that nobody gives a shit about NUS elections.

This vital revelation would be likely to have an impact on the results of the NUS delegate elections – if anybody cared.

A comprehensive survey of five people, only two of whom were actually university students, and one of whom was actually me, showed that 100% had never heard of the NUS. The data paints a worrying picture of a student democracy in a state of crisis.

Speaking to Varsity earlier this week, the Head of the Politics Department and voice of the popular Talking Politics podcast, Professor David Runciman, who has recently reiterated his concerns about the state of British democracy, said: “Quite honestly, I also don’t give a shit. I mean, why would I? I’m not even a student.”

Evie Aspinall, President of CUSU, responded to Varsity’s request for comment by saying that she does know some people who care about the NUS elections.

“I mean obviously I don’t personally care, at all, I want to make that crystal clear. I’m the voice of the students, and I’m here to represent their apathy, but I do know some people who do care. A couple of weirdos from the radical reading group, those sort of people.”

“Part of the problem,” explained Emily Milton, a JCR President trying to boost turnout, “is that the few people who do care about NUS elections are so profoundly irritating that they actually suppress turnout.”

With NUS delegate elections currently taking place, some of the candidates were eager to speak out. I asked Horatio Dunlop, a self-declared “radical,” and resident of Surrey, how he was different from the other radical activists running for election.

“The thing is most of the other socialist candidates are pretty much Blairite sell-outs. I’m the only candidate who refuses to accept the capitalist propaganda. Loads of the other candidates believe in, like, “money” or think that the people of North Korea are in some way “unhappy” – it makes me sick.”

“It’s really important that the NUS takes the bold step this summer to affiliate with the Chinese Communist Party – without that there is no clear path to the sweeping agrarian reform this country needs.”

Cambridge University Liberal Association member, Tim Tortoise, who is running as an outsider candidate, told Varsity: “I suppose I’m running in this contest to protest CUSU. Just sort of generally.”

“The voting system went down this week – and no freshers were included in the ballot – an absolute disaster from CUSU. I mean nobody noticed because nobody was voting, but it’s the principle that matters.”

The results of this investigation are indisputable: nobody cares about the NUS, and only Varsity cares that nobody cares.

Marcus Atherton is a writer for Varsity investigations.