theporterslog@gmail.com
16th May 2022

Varsity relocates to Parker’s Piece Winter Wonderland due to funding freeze

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Students across Cambridge have expressed their disappointment at the news that the Varsity Ski Trip will relocate this year from Val Thorens to the North Pole Fair on Parker’s Piece. 

Initially, the location was planned as a surprise; drivers were instructed to pull the blinds on their coaches and drive around the Cambridge ring-road for two days. But following a leak from an unnamed source, the Varsity organisers have come forward to admit that the prestigious trip will this year be taking place in the brightly lit fairground known as the North Pole.

Organisers claim that the move will not detract from the Varsity experience, which they say will be just as exciting and inaccessible as previous years. Attempts to recreate the ambiance of last year’s trip have seen the committee hire several VR headsets showing scenes of derelict buildings to capture the essence of standard accommodation. Alongside this, volunteers will be on hand to throw snow or polystyrene balls at students’ faces to ensure comfort levels on the slopes mimic those of previous years.

The organisers have also sourced several loud posh boys to shout distinctive catch-phrases at students as they enter the Santa’s Grotto enclosure. These include bawling “we love to see it” and “oi oi the boys” every 30 minutes, as well as bellowing “Here he is!” every time someone goes near the dodgems.

Rumours that the trip planned to introduce a new category of ‘substandard’ accommodation – tents pitched on Parker’s Piece with wooden boards as mattresses – appear to be unfounded.

Originally, Varsity claimed this was part of a long-term strategy to ensure the trip could continue to run, amidst worries about rising global temperatures reducing the quantities of snow seen on the slopes this early in the year. However, later investigation by The Porter’s Log revealed the ski trip had actually lost vast sums of money after booking the entire experience through Thomas Cook, explaining the committee’s hasty choice of location change.

Despite this, Varsity Ski president Marcus Atherton is convinced that the trip would still be a success, claiming it could “rival Fyre festival in both its attendance and its cultural significance.”