Vacation not a holiday
14th December 2017

Week Five Blues accidentally brought forward to Week One


Students across Cambridge are in shock as record levels of misery have swept through colleges just two days into term.

King’s student Marcus Atherton said: “I arrived last week with high hopes for Lent but I’ve already produced a metric ton of snot from crying into my half-unpacked suitcase. This is all happening too fast.”

Emily Milton, from Cauis College, said: “It isn’t supposed to be like this. I was looking forward to a nice incremental build-up of stress, bleakness and misery over the next month to prepare for Week Five. How will I cope now?”

One student was reportedly dragged fifteen miles to Royston last weekend after having clung to the tailgate of his parents’ car in a bid to escape the city.

Some students, however, have remained determined in the face of the phenomenon.

Cecil Jones, a Sidney Sussex student, said: “Call me traditionalist but I like my misery in Week Five and I always will do. I won’t let an early bout of bleakness take away from the exciting countdown to the worst week of term.”

He continued: “I’ve started biting my nails again, soon I’ll get to tearing my hair out and in about three weeks I’ll start panic-buying loo roll. Bring it on.”

Subscribe to the weekly newsletter