29th April 2017

Week Five Blues accidentally brought forward to Week One

StJohnsCambNewCourt
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Students across Cambridge are in shock as record levels of misery have swept through colleges just two days into term.

King’s student Marcus Atherton said: “I arrived last week with high hopes for Lent but I’ve already produced a metric ton of snot from crying into my half-unpacked suitcase. This is all happening too fast.”

Emily Milton, from Cauis College, said: “It isn’t supposed to be like this. I was looking forward to a nice incremental build-up of stress, bleakness and misery over the next month to prepare for Week Five. How will I cope now?”

One student was reportedly dragged fifteen miles to Royston last weekend after having clung to the tailgate of his parents’ car in a bid to escape the city.

Some students, however, have remained determined in the face of the phenomenon.

Cecil Jones, a Sidney Sussex student, said: “Call me traditionalist but I like my misery in Week Five and I always will do. I won’t let an early bout of bleakness take away from the exciting countdown to the worst week of term.”

He continued: “I’ve started biting my nails again, soon I’ll get to tearing my hair out and in about three weeks I’ll start panic-buying loo roll. Bring it on.”