Michaelmasochism
18th October 2017

Vince Cable’s ambition to be PM “a side-effect of Lib Dem drugs policy”

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Following his first party conference as leader of the party, Sir Vince Cable has admitted his statements may have been a product of conducting research into his own party’s drug policy.

“It has been a long-standing policy of the party to support decriminalisation and in some cases legalisation of hallucinogens, but it may have been a mistake to allow Vince to take some before he spoke to Andrew Marr” a senior party source said.

“These days politicians are constantly criticised for not understanding the impact of their policies but I can assure you Vince really does now know what it’s like to neck five tablets of LSD.”

Political commentator and data-cruncher Glen O’Hara refused to rule out the possibility of a Cable premiership. “Yes the polls look incredibly certain this isn’t possible, but then again this week’s horoscope looks absolutely great for Virgos, so who knows?”

“Perhaps Vince Cable is the man for the job. The general election in June was disappointing for the Lib Dems and the stance against hard Brexit didn’t gain them wider support, but their stance in favour of hard drugs may just have won them back the self-confidence they need.”

In his appearance on Marr, the Lib Dem leader likened the party to Leicester City, admitting that though victory is “highly unlikely”, he has still refused to rule-out running Jamie Vardy in a winnable seat.

Tim Farron, the former party leader and MP for Westmorland and Lonsdale, said that it was possible that the Liberal Democrats could “come from behind” but refused to discuss whether that would be a sin.

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