4th October 2023

M&S wages ‘all out legal war’ after decisive victory over Aldi’s Cuthbert the Caterpillar


Following its victory over the nation’s joint-favourite German discount supermarket chain, Marks and Spencer’s crack legal division have been scrambling to lay waste to more beloved retailers after their destruction of Aldi.

In a press conference today held in the corner of Cambridge’s M&S Café over an assortment of toasted teacakes and ‘curiously large’ Bourbon biscuits, Chief of Brand Strategy and Deputy Assistant Lingerie Salesman Brian Cashmere made an announcement. “For far too long, Edinburgh Woollen Mill has encroached on the foundation of our business. Ugly knitted cardigans and comfortable shoes in a wide fit define our customer base, so we will bring legal action against any brand that caters solely to the fashion-challenged and National Trust members.”

Industry experts fear that such a case could have a far reaching effect on the middle-class retail sector. Following a poor financial performance last quarter, many worry that John Lewis would be unable to recover from a court order preventing them from selling beige slacks and white trilbies as part of their ‘elderly gentleman about town’ collection.

An anonymous source located right at the top of M&S (on the fifth floor between the men’s pyjamas and changing rooms) has suggested that the legal team may take this onslaught yet one step further. A case is brewing against the National Farmers’ Union for trademark infringement by naming pigs after the brand’s famous confectionary. David Cameron, an expert on pigs turned Cotswolds farmer said, “I can’t see why I shouldn’t name my pig Percy, after all, he will probably be boiled down for gelatin anyways.”