4th October 2023

Cambridge dismisses claims of medical privilege as students offered gold-plated nasal swabs


The University of Cambridge has denied that its student population is excessively privileged after an exposé revealed students had been offered gold-plated nasal swabs.

Under its flagship asymptomatic testing programme, the University aims to swab each student at least each fortnightVice-chancellor Stephen Toope was caught in an undercover sting, with the academic – whose pay reached £458,000 last year – saying: “I won’t rest until every student has their nose full.” However, Cambridge’s medic population has struck back, with one harried second-year heard wailing that “not all testing was a privilege”.

The precious gold-plated swabs come in a presentation box, and there are rumours that certain sports clubs have ordered their own silver ‘stash swabs’ branded with their logos to signal dominance over unfit mortals more likely to suffer from the virus.

Extinction Rebellion have condemned the practice, demanding the University provide reusable swabs to be shared across households.