On behalf of the Proctal Examiners, may I remind students that public displays of celebration or happiness after examinations this year will not be tolerated.
In recent years it has come to our attention that students have been performing wildly over-exuberant rituals upon leaving the examination halls. The spraying of carbonated drinks such as champagne and Diet Lilt terrorises members of the public, who always gather in their thousands as examinations finish. The launching of missiles such as glitter and flour leads to untold devastation while excessive shouting and ‘whooping’ has been proven to cause irreconcilable and expensive damage to the University’s ancient buildings and staff. In short, undergraduate happiness is a real threat to daily life and must therefore be avoided at all costs.
May I take this opportunity to outline a section of the University Charter of which students will be only too aware. During Easter term, under Act 6 Section F, the expression of the following emotions is strictly prohibited: felicity, gaiety, delight, enjoyment, glee, and mirth. Mild schadenfreude is permissible under extraordinary circumstances but a strict £200 fine will be levied against any student caught in the act of jubilation.
Proctors should not have to interrupt other important duties, such as stopping people throwing rice at weddings, in order to stamp out such dangerous behaviour. It should also be noted that Cambridge students celebrating in the streets after exams look frankly ridiculous to the general public. Proctors, with their flowing black robes, capes, and mortarboard hats, will not hesitate to repeat this to students.
We wish you a productive term and will endeavour to make your crucial examinations run as smoothly and miserably as possible.
Yours,
Cameron Bridgeworth, Senior Proctologist