21st July 2024

As self-isolation begins for many, the University announces its divestment from student welfare


As the university community struggles to get to grips with life under COVID-19, many students are being told to self-isolate after becoming exposed to carriers of the virus.

With anxiety running rampant, the University has announced a radical change in policy: a complete divestment from student welfare.

“Students have been telling us to divest for years now, and we think they’ll be really happy with the decision we’ve taken,” explains Timothy Bainbridge, junior academic undersecretary of state to the senior vice chancellor’s office’s cat. “Some students have accused us of not properly listening to their demands, but we are certain that student welfare was mentioned at some point in relation to divestment.”

The cuts to student welfare have been particularly noticeable in some of the central colleges. Students have been forced to go weeks without leaving their tiny box rooms with only three cans of tinned beans for company. However, the University has strenuously objected to any suggestion that the pandemic precautions may harm the mental well-being of the students – citing a video released of self-isolating students claiming to have never been happier. The pale, emaciated students featured in the short film have since been moved to a “secure location” by porters.

The full scope of the new divestment campaign does not end there, however, with the University announcing millions of pounds in investment into a Green Energy scheme, a new venture set up by Topshop millionaire Phillip Green which aims to power his yacht solely through burning money by the year 2025.

The University divestment campaign has left a slight gap in the finances of several colleges, and some have had to turn to outside funding to cover this shortfall. King’s College has attempted to sell its cows at the market in return for ‘magic beans’ purporting to provide cheap fresher accommodation, whilst Clare has renamed itself Sports Direct College in a pre-emptive attempt to elicit funding from the famously generous Mike Ashley.  

The University itself is not immune to this approach, having offered Martin Shkreli both an honorary fellowship due to his “unique business vision” and his very own lecture course at the Judge Business School, in the hope he might lend some cash to the struggling institution.