21st July 2024

“At least it’s not corona,” shivers hypothermic, frostbitten student in library


Coronavirus measures which include keeping University libraries well-ventilated, while slowing the spread of the pandemic have left students facing new challenges, particularly the cold.

“At least I’m not vulnerable to COVID-19,” shivered Marcus Atherton, with fingers rigid and black from cold and a nose decaying from exposure.

Speaking from the Squire Law Library, where temperatures approached absolute zero, Atherton described battling glacial winds, hidden crevasses, and deep snow-drifts to obtain a seat.

“I woke up extra early to bag this spot because yesterday a bunch of Norwegian explorers beat me to it. They even planted a flag to reserve a place for their mate,” he said.

With winter drawing in and libraries requiring constant ventilation to mitigate the spread of the virus, the University has provided guidelines to help students deal with the cold, including:

  • Rubbing yourself in seal blubber.
  • Tourniquets are available from librarians.
  • Please be silent when removing limbs.
  • Mathmos are an excellent source of fibre.
  • If attacked by a walrus, make sure your mask covers your nose and apply sanitiser before and after tusk impalement.
  • If approached by a polar bear, avoid eye-contact, raise your arms to make yourself as large as possible, and bow your head. Then summon deep guttural noises from your throat before slowly backing away. Sanitise upon escape.
  • Follow the above advice if you are approached by a Compsci.

The new temperatures haven’t been universally rejected by students, however. Digging her sled out from a dense snow-drift, Tara Lamp expressed her thanks to the University for protecting her from the virus and allowing her to finally feel something colder than her ex’s heart.

Meanwhile another student, cryogenically frozen into her seat, is not expected to wake until 2050, just in time for the 32nd wave of the pandemic.