4th October 2023

Bill Gates Vows To Eliminate Freshers’ Flu


In his address to the Union earlier this week, Bill Gates pledged part of his considerable fortune to the fight against freshers’ flu.

Gates claimed his campaign against polio would be “nothing compared to reversing the widespread incidence of freshers’ flu among university populations” and committed an unspecified amount of funding to combatting its spread.

Freshers flu’s effects on its victims, he alleged, are worse than those of even the most mutated strains of polio; as such its elimination was a “natural next step” in the Gates Foundation’s charitable programme.

In a wide-ranging speech, Gates also refuted allegations that he would become a Union member, baulking at its cost.

He also provided an account of his recent illness, which stemmed from contracting an aggressive virus in Cindies.

The virus, a strain of freshers’ flu, incapacitated Gates and a team of Compscis were unable to revive him by first punching him in the face and then turning him off and on again. Gates was rushed to Addenbrookes where he was prescribed Norton anti-virus.

Tragically, this was rejected by Gates’ body as it was not Windows compatible, and doctors were forced to reboot him, meaning the unsaved draft of his speech as well as part of his upcoming supervision essay were lost.

Meanwhile the ballot for tickets to the speech was widely criticised by diversity activists, with Mac owners hugely underrepresented among the attendees.