16th August 2022

Cambridge Vice-Chancellor caught in bed with photos of Oxford colleges


A scandal has erupted this week as Cambridge Vice-Chancellor Leszek Borysiewicz was found in bed with photographs of Oxford colleges.

His cleaner, who wishes to remain anonymous, reported seeing the Vice-Chancellor together with photographs of Balliol and Wadham when cleaning his room on Friday morning.

Borysiewicz, who will be replaced by Professor Stephen Toope in October 2017, became the subject of an investigation by the Cambridge Loyalty Watchdog after the report. The team later uncovered hundreds of candid photos on the hard-drive of the Borysiewicz’s laptop.

Cameron Bridgeworth, Watchdog spokesman said: “The sheer scale of this fetish is shocking. He even had pictures of subjects which were underage. That’s right, we found images of 1960s colleges. There were also dozens of videos of Oxford fellows on there; one clip of Richard Dawkins giving a lecture was appalling. If you’re really into that kind of stuff you could at least watch someone like Stephen Hawking.”

The Vice-Chancellor faced yet more criticism after his internet history revealed links to inappropriate videos such as ‘Oriel College quad demolished by boys walking on the grass’ and ‘Brasenose matriculation ceremony – live webcam action’. It also contained evidence of him writing on a student activist forum under the username OxfordLover1096, where he wrote “Rhodes must fall – into my bed.”

In a recent statement published online, Borysiewicz said: “I want to apologise to everyone at Cambridge University, to my family and to my colleagues for being misled by the allure of Oxford. I looked at the sheer arrogance of Christ Church and mistakenly believed that Trinity College over here paled in comparison, that the over-hyped pointlessness of Union politics was at its strongest in Oxford and that the chauvinism of the Bullingdon Club trumped that of the Pitt Club. I am deeply sorry and see now that I was wrong”.

Before being allowed to return to office, the Vice-Chancellor will be required attend rehab where he will be “fed on a diet comprising only Van of Life food and forced to memorise class lists whilst Cindies DJs blast music into his padded cell.”