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29th June 2022

CamCard spending spree precipitates new financial crisis

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A huge increase in CamCard use has crashed the local economy, according to the Faculty of Economics. 

Reckless misuse of the student card has led to both hyperinflation and personal debt crises for many users, who have little chance of making repayment when their Easter bill hits.

“I thought it was fake money,’ revealed Marcus Atherton, who now has to carry ten CamCards after a rash spending spree at a hungover Sunday brunch devalued the payment method. “I had no idea that a bill was actually building up, and still less that I’d have to pay it back. We should have been informed.”

The beginnings of this crisis can be traced back to early January, when the Sainsbury’s Big Issue seller started accepting CamCards as a valid method of payment. Now, less than three months later, all confidence in CamCards has been lost on the international currency market. CUCA has complained that with the current hyperinflation, they have been forced to burn CamCards rather than money; these are much harder to ignite.

Meanwhile, one unlucky student misplaced her CamCard, complete with £8bn of debt, in Cindies and issued a desperate plea for it not to be returned on Ticketbridge, writing “if someone could assume my identity, and thus also my hall bill, I’d be over the moon.”

With no sign of the crisis ending, King’s has stopped accepting CamCards in their buttery. In a statement, the college JCR denounced CamCards as tools of Cambridge’s oppressive capitalist overlords, urging students to instead show solidarity with the proletariat by going hungry. Unfortunately, this move has backfired somewhat, with several King’s students turning to the Christian Union to feed themselves.

There are further rumours that CamCards are being co-opted in a new money-laundering scheme by Russian ex-gangsters. Several “postgraduate students” have been spotted using their student card to purchase vast quantities of own-brand vodka, which disappears almost immediately. “Forget Bitcoin,” quipped one postgrad, who gave his name only as “Ivan,” “CamCards are the next big untraceable cryptocurrency.”