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29th June 2022

Colleges compete for ‘biggest fuck-up’ award

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After a spate of late entries were submitted for consideration, Cambridge University’s ‘worst fuck-up’ awards are set to be a more closely-fought contest than ever before.

Trinity Hall were originally expected to dominate proceedings with what has been potentially the largest cock-up of the term so far. Special individual nominations have been made for Barry Able, who is standing in the ‘Worst New Fiction’ category, and ‘Parasite’, otherwise known as Peter Hutchinson. The college’s long-term collaborator, the History Faculty, has also been recognised in the ‘Best Supporting Role’ category for its attempts to cover up the ‘Tit-gate’ scandal.

However, whilst Trinity Hall’s success may have seemed a foregone conclusion for many, a number of exciting new entrants have blown the competition wide open. King’s College, for example, has submitted a late asbestos-based challenge to Sidney Sussex in the ‘Bar Closures’ category, but since it did not include gross indecent exposure and twattery, it is unlikely that they will steal the award. St Johns, usually a leading contender in areas such as these, is rumoured to be already planning its comeback in time for the next ceremony.

The most tightly contested is the ‘Racism’ category, with both Downing and Emmanuel vying for glory. Unoriginal though their material may be (Downing are nominated for racially abusing Chinese students and Emmanuel for having ‘White Power’ scrawled in the laundry room) both colleges’ expertly crafted style has led to glowing critical acclaim nonetheless.

The prestigous ‘special contribution’ award will also be presented during a glittering ceremony hosted by Prince Andrew, with Extinction Rebellion set to be honoured for their services to general fuck-uppery. They will receive an organic, handcrafted, thrice-recycled wooden spoon for their achievements.

Disappointed not to be nominated are Trinity, who for once are the victim not the perpetrator of a university-wide scandal. Not liking any associations of failure, they are trying hard to see whose toes they can stamp on next in the hope of bringing home more trophies next time round.