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29th March 2024

Daily Mail relocate Middle Eastern correspondent to Jesus Green for C Sunday

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The Daily Mail have confirmed that Marcus Atherton, their Middle Eastern correspondent, has been reassigned to Jesus Green to provide exclusive coverage of Caesarean Sunday.

The Mail specifically chose Atherton to cover the weekend, citing his “hapless disregard of the truth and fundamental inability recognise right from wrong,” as well as his “prior experience in disaster zones such as Mosul, the Korean Peninsula and Jeremy Corbyn’s office.”

In a statement via the MailOnline, Atherton expressed his shock at the debauchery of the event, which he claims he “had never before witnessed, even when covering the Taliban.” In his exclusive reports, Atherton says he hopes to “reveal all” by “repeatedly pressing Ctrl C, Ctrl V,” and “showing the world what heinous creatures Cambridge students really are.”

“I covered the Arab Spring for 10 years; I’ve been undercover for 6 months fighting with the Syrian army in Aleppo; I’ve sampled Russian nerve agents; when I was stationed in South America I even sat in a big hole in the ground for a bit to feel closer to the Chilean Miners.

“None of that can prepare me for what I expect to see on Jesus Green. The conditions, from what I’ve heard, are unthinkable to anyone who isn’t a Junior Doctor. Let’s not forget that this is made all the worse by the fact that these acts of depravity are being committed by [the people who will run our country]/[the elite]/[Remoaners]/[benefits cheats]/[that hunk from Poldark]/[immigrants].”

Last year’s Caesarian Sunday was widely-acknowledged to have been one of the most extreme and depraved displays in recent years, with students seen dressed in pink shorts and dress shirts, some even enjoying themselves.