22nd September 2023

Final year medics to be assessed by game of Operation, reveals Graham Virgo


Amid the ongoing COVID-19 crisis, Cambridge University has this week revealed a wide range of alternate assessment methods for its students.

The university’s announcement comes in response to a deluge of student petitions, with Stephen Toope’s daily emails being replaced by a large count-down clock to the moment students would receive some actually useful information.

“You know things have to be bad when the Compscis start talking to each-other,” said Marcus Atherton, student representative for the Department of Computer Science. “I thought open letters were just for doomed political campaigns, but now everyone’s having a go.”

Given the wide variety of requirements involved in different degrees, each department is taking its own unique approach to planning assessments.

Final year medics will be examined by a game of Operation, whilst the history faculty has promised a First to anyone who can write a song even better than ‘My Name is Charles II’. Philosophy students are to be graded according to how many thoughts they can have in the allocated three hours. Meanwhile, students of Education have simply been asked to come up with their own exams and save the department the bother.

One example of inter-departmental cooperation has been reported, however. History of Art and Geography are putting out a joint colouring book designed to suit the challenging curriculums of both disciplines. Only students with the greatest academic rigour and largest collection of pencils will achieve top marks.

Elsewhere, the university has been responding to concerns about ensuring fair exam conditions at home. When asked how the university would prevent the possibility of students cheating, Graham Virgo responded: “Pretty please?”

Other advice for replicating exam conditions includes asking your parents to walk around in deafening stiletto heels, making sure your desk is wobbly, and pouring a bottle of prosecco over your own head after submitting your final take-home paper.