The government has declared a state of emergency over this year’s Freshers’ Flu outbreak, described by some as ‘the worst epidemic to hit Britain since the Black Death’.
Cambridge students have been advised by the University to remain indoors and avoid contact with other students at all times in order to minimise the spread of infection, with mathematics undergraduates at Trinity College receiving special commendation for already subscribing to such a practice.
With the five Peterhouse Fellows who survived the fourteenth-century Black Death refusing to answer their emails and Medicine students being found to have no practical medical knowledge whatsoever, students are turning to a range of alternative treatments.
Radical self-care groups on Facebook are encouraging the consumption of one’s own urine as a Lemsip substitute, while Ryder and Amies have introduced a collection of beaked masks, available in a range of College colours, with the option of adding a College crest for £5. Elsewhere, the Cambridge Inter-Collegiate Christian Union is offering faith healing via a Text-A-Tissue service, while the Cambridge Union is offering a bloodletting service, having already drained its members of £185.
With no solution to the crisis in sight, CUSU have admitted that they are struggling to offer leadership with any sort of direction. “We just don’t know what’s caused this,” CUSU President Emily Milton confessed.
“Our first thought was that it was brought over by Vice-Chancellor Stephen Toope’s personal flock of Canada Geese, but then we read a Tab article about the hydrologic water cycle in Fez.
“We also suspect it might be the Lucy Cav guinea pigs to blame, so if we’re still unable to buck up our ideas within the next few days then we’ll probably go slaughter them.”
With the death toll rising, many students have fled the city to the far-flung provinces of Girton and Homerton. For those who remain, Cambridge culture will never be the same again: flagellants, for example, are now using actual whips, rather than simply telling people how many hours they spent in the library yesterday.