22nd September 2023

Harry and Meghan quit Queen’s College for year abroad in Canada


Following rising speculation, Prince Harry and his wife Meghan Markle have this week announced their plans to spend a year abroad in Canada.

The two have decided to leave Queen’s College in favour of the greater independence offered by Meghan’s homeland. “It will be good to get out of the bubble,” said the Duke of Sussex. “I’m tired of living in an elitist institution surrounded by posh people, fancy buildings, and tourists, with no conception of the real world.”

It is clear that their reasons for leaving must be numerous. However, many have speculated that the move is primarily an effort to escape Harry’s particularly messy college family. The prince’s college mother intermitted after crashing whilst attempting to out-bicycle the tenacious Varsity paparazzo desperate for her take on the upcoming CUSU by-election, while his uncle has been banned from the Regents St. Pizza Express after a spate of bad behaviour precipitated by his drinking society.

Harry also has a number of ongoing disputes with several Cambridge newspapers, after TCS published a riveting and extremely critical long read on the state of the monarchy and the Tab featured Harry in a ‘club photos of the week’ article, misspelling his name.

Other reports hint that Harry is trying to put his scandalous freshers’ week behind him, rumoured to involve stripping during a pool game in his college bar and attending a Disney-themed bop in rather questionable attire.

However, there are concerns that Harry and Meghan will not be able to fund their travels, given the imminent cancellation of the Erasmus scheme. The pair have recently taken on a series of odd jobs, including working the night shift at the Van of Life and begging alumni for college donations. There are even rumours that the Prince is using his old HMRC contacts in an attempt to raise the final £550.44 needed for his and Meghan’s flights.

Given this perilous financial situation, the pair are currently lodging with Stephen Toope. However, they have been forced to sleep in his attic after discovering the Vice Chancellor’s maple syrup-based hoarding problem.

In related news, Candadian immigration policy has come under review after a surge in notable individuals taking inspiration from the Sussexes and treating the welcoming nation as a safe haven. Following Harry and Meghan’s example, Edward Snowdon, Julian Assange, and Ollie Williams have all attempted to start a fresh chapter in the North American nation.