theporterslog@gmail.com
29th June 2022

Ja Rule behind Robinson May Ball cancellation

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Following the cancellation of Robinson May Ball, it can finally be revealed that controversial rapper and Fyre Festival founder Ja Rule was working on the Ball committee.

In a leaked email, the college blamed Ja Rule, who gained notoriety in 2017 following the infamous failure of Fyre Festival, as the “sole cause” of the cancellation.

“Ja just took things way too far,” Emily Milton, the May Ball President, exclaimed.

Themed ‘New York, New York: A Retro Revival,’ disputes arose when, citing authenticity, Ja Rule invited the entirety of Lower Manhattan’s mafia to perform on the main stage.

“The committee was in chaos. Our Head of Logistics pointed out that Robinson isn’t even big enough to hold that kind of event, so we fired him, but not before he started planning to accommodate ball-goers in cruise ships on the Cam. Eventually, Ja hired out Trinity to host the ball – but at that point, was it even Robinson May Ball anymore?”

Speaking from his attorney’s office, Robinson Ents Officer Cameron Bridgeworth revealed the true extent of Ja Rule’s intervention:

“We tried to get him to stop but things spiralled out of control, and quickly. Publicity was wild; news of the Ball was everywhere, on Camfess, Crushbridge, Varsity – it even reached TCS.

“Our gourmet meals looked like they were straight out of Caius buttery. The tents were literally Medwards accommodation blocks. We hadn’t even arranged any drinks, and let’s face it, no one’s making it through another acapella set sober.

“Ja then hired just about every student who wasn’t working, so we pretty much had the entire Geography department on our payroll. We just didn’t have the budget for it. We had to cancel.”

Meanwhile, Marcus Atherton, the Ball Committee’s Vice-President, is said to be seeking compensation from Ja Rule for emotional distress.

“We just weren’t selling tickets; it was becoming a real problem.” Atherton revealed. “I got a call from Ja, who said: ‘Marcus, you’ve got to take one big thing for the team. Will you suck dick to fix this ticket problem? You need to save this May Ball.’

“Thankfully it didn’t come to that,” exclaimed a relieved Atherton. “But things were really getting crazy.”

Ticket holders have reacted angrily to the cancellation:

“How else am I expected to spend a copious amount of my parent’s money?”