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27th November 2022

King’s Builders apply to Cambridge after realising how little work students do

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Builders working on renovating Bodley’s Court in King’s College have applied to study at Cambridge in droves after realising how little work students actually get done.

The Cambridge Admissions Office have confirmed that the number of applications for the Architecture Tripos has more than quadrupled after the construction workers, noticing the similar work patterns of builders and students, decided to quit their jobs and pursue higher education.

Speaking to a student journalist during his two-hour lunch break, Painter and Decorator Marcus Atherton explained his decision.

“It’s uncanny really. We’re set roughly 8 hours of daily work but really we only get round to doing 2 hours of it – that’s if you include 16 tea breaks. The students here barely break the 90 minute mark!

“The whole idea of Cambridge students living like worker ants is plain nonsense.”

Working in construction can be irksome, especially since the College’s JCR have insisted that we can only use hammers and sickles to complete the repairs, so a lot of us have decided to sack it off and become students ourselves.”

JCR President Emily Milton was upbeat about the news. “I think the builders will suit Cambridge well”, she declared. “In terms of the workload both groups seem to be able to procrastinate for near to the entire Cenozoic era.”

When asked about how builders would integrate with students socially, Milton revealed that the student body have already embraced builder’s clothing decisions.

“Last week’s Arcsoc saw most undergraduates don a hard-hat and hi-vis jacket. I’m pretty sure one even legally changed his name to Band Saw.

“I’m also starting a petition to change the name of the JCR to JCB – watch this space.”

Despite the flurry of admissions, it is thought that the applicants are unlikely to be successful in their attempts to join the University. Admissions tutors have expressed concerns that, despite their similar working patterns, builders have too much common sense and practical skills to be Cambridge students.

When asked for comment, University Vice-Chancellor Stephen Toope, who is Canadian, admitted that offering places to builders was not a priority.

“Access is one of my biggest priorities as Vice-Chancellor of the University of Cambridge. For example, I’m currently negotiating some changes to the pay of senior University staff, which will give me access to an even bigger salary than I have already.”