Cambridge University’s Annual Charity Fashion Show has proved an immense success once again after it celebrated one of the most daring fashion trends to ever hit the city: the leavers’ hoodie.
For the occasion, no expense had been spared. The bespoke artificial polyester of each hoodie had been meticulously woven from scratch by a prodigious team of malnourished Burmese orphans, and rumour had it that the night’s finale, an electrifying display of white privilege from an Old Etonian, had cost over £40,000 per year to put on.
Adopting the tantalising, coquettish manner of a zit that just won’t pop, the show began with a sumptuous demonstration of the iconic hoodie’s versatility. Whether as the purveyor of comfort for a hungover member of the college rugby team in his 9am lecture on macroeconomics, or as an easy-going piece of evening-wear for that one arsehole wearing flip-flops at dinner, its irresistible charm and glorious elegance shone through in equal measure.
The next act consisted of a slightly more sentimental, in-depth look at the precise symbolism surrounding the hoodies themselves. The more thought-provoking segment of the evening, audience members were invited to consider questions such as ‘why did they choose black if I voted for green on the Facebook poll?’, ‘what does it mean to have one’s name printed in poorly-justified font crammed into the curved edge of the number 6?’, and of course, ‘why the fuck did I pay £25 for this?’
As a touching tribute to the hoodie’s pioneering role in paving the way for other terrible Cambridge fashion trends, the show concluded with a visceral, immersive parade of elephant pants, Cancun backpacks, Chilly’s bottles, college puffer jackets and baseball caps (worn indoors). It is reported that the audience loved to see it.