22nd September 2023

Man in coffee-stained dressing gown wins Zoom beauty pageant


A furloughed man in his mid-thirties has found fame after mistakenly joining a Zoom-based beauty pageant, which he subsequently won after the contest’s judges were bowled over by his ‘bold’ and ‘daring’ entry.

“It was one hell of a mix-up,” admits Marcus Atherton, reflecting on the incident. “I’m not going to divulge any details about what I was looking for in the first place – which definitely wasn’t the Pornhub live chat feature – but let’s just say that when I was presented with a screen full of scantily-clad women, I didn’t suspect anything was awry in the slightest. It was only when my dirty messages to the chat had been lauded by one of the adjudicators for its ‘wild, unapologetic display of sexual empowerment’ that I realised I might have got myself into a slight pickle.”

The judges were effusive in their praise of Marcus’ performance. “We were blown away by the sheer audacity of it all,” said Tara Lamp. “The way his matted chest hair, adorned with the kaleidoscopic remains of his breakfast, poked through the wide-open lapels of his coffee-stained dressing gown…there was something positively animalistic about it, something visceral yet poignant. And what a figure! Full and voluptuous, it veiled no blemishes, rejecting the authority of the gaze with its own astonishing aesthetic honesty.”

“Yeah, I think one of my testicles was hanging out by accident,” says Marcus.

Before Marcus’ arrival sent its popularity soaring, the Miss Maidenhead Beauty Pageant had suffered a string of crushing setbacks. Caroline Calloway was originally booked to present the show, although after a whistleblower claimed she had sent an unwilling body double to do the job for her, she was forced to drop out.

The show was also criticised for its selection of OnlyFans as a sponsor. It had been hoped that the popular site’s extensive experience helping people with lofty ambitions but zero sense of workmanship achieve their goals would provide a helpful boost for the event’s participants. However, the service’s links with the adult entertainment industry have marred its reputation in recent months. “Never heard of it,” Marcus insisted hastily.