theporterslog@gmail.com
29th June 2022

Orgasm Bridge laments lack of reciprocation

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Cambridge’s much-loved Orgasm Bridge has finally spoken out, 60 years after its erection in 1960.

Fed up with its rampant objectification and having been ridden all over for years, it is hoping that the new decade might bring it some pleasure instead.

In an exclusive interview with the Porter’s Log, the bridge’s anguish is evident. “I am fed up of the disrespect!” it wails. “I am used again and again for people’s own gratification on a daily, nay hourly, nay minutely basis and yet nobody even knows my name. Why am I defined by the function that I perform for others? How hard is it to remember my true name – Garret Hostel Lane Bridge?! Honestly, the disrespect is unbelievable – they could at least buy me a drink first!” Strong words indeed.

Sadly for Orgasm Bridge, however, the other bridges of the Cam do not seem to share its indignation. The Bridge of Sighs was apathetic, simply wishing for a return to the repression of two-hundred years ago, whilst although King’s College Bridge felt deeply about the cause, it explained that its current scaffolding protection “really just, like, killed [my] vibe, yeah?” The Mathematical Bridge was perplexed, and responded: “What even is an orgasm? People just stare at me awkwardly and move on”.

In a last-ditch attempt to find its ‘Bridge over troubled water’, Orgasm Bridge has signed up for a RAG Blind Date. When asked whether reciprocity would become a sticking point in a relationship, it said: “We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. For now I just want to enjoy a watery, over-priced pornstar martini and some stifling small talk.” Updates to follow.