As Valentine’s day approaches and hordes of sexually repressed Cantabs embrace the seasonal struggle to find a partner; in the name of charity, alcohol and sin, Marcus Atherton brings you straight to the action.
18:12 – Our first dates are about to begin, we’re ready and waiting at The Maypole. An overhauled bribe system allows participants to pay £2 to ensure your date has coherent social skills; £3 for someone who has washed; and a generous payment to take out a Mathmo.
18:55 – We speak to Horatio, a second year, about his motivations for getting involved:
“I’m just love charity. I’m not lonely or a hapless romantic by any stretch. Just ask Romeo, my cat.”
19:15 – We’ve noticed some odd pairings tonight as the CUCA head was matched with a sickle-wielding King’s student. Meanwhile eyebrows have been raised in Novi after Simon Redfern, of the divestment working group, received a £22 million bribe from an unknown party, who cited his “his first-rate company and compliance.”
20:33 – Cameron Bridgeworth, a first year Compsci, has arrived from a dating help session put on by the Careers’ Service. Bridgeworth remains stoically silent and appears to have taken very literally the strong eye contact he’s just been taught.
21:40 – A date at The Mitre has been interrupted by a fracas instigated by a jealous college husband. Meanwhile one couple has maintained the excruciatingly long pause they welcomed each other with. Disaster at the bar as an Economist asks their date about his career prospects.
22:45 – Back at The Eagle; Bridgeworth is still staring at his date. We’ll update you if he advances to a firm handshake. In the background a member of the Christian Union grapples with the concept of sinning for charity.
23:23 – Ambulances have been called to The Maypole after a date slipped into coma following an evening with a Blues rower.
00:20 – Mixed scenes at Cindies. Someone has abandoned their date exclaiming: “If I wanted to be left dissatisfied by a pompous moron in a darkened room, I would’ve gone to a play at the ADC.”
A heady combination of devastating lows and moderate highs; RAG has truly outdone itself once again. Don’t write in to tell us about your dates, we still don’t care.